When people talk about rainbow babies, I wonder what they name after having three miscarriages and one stillborn. I call him my earth angel. When I found out I was pregnant with him, I was scared because of the challenges with his brother and previous miscarriages. No personal moments. I felt strong and determined; I could do it. Every 10 days, I would arrive at HSC to have him scanned by ultrasound and monitor my cervix. Each time I saw him moving on the screen, it gave me hope. I told him I got to see him literally grow in my stomach every 10 days. Special Moment: My Grandma Hall, when I visited her, touched my stomach and told me to take care of my boy.
At 20 weeks old, I went in for my check-ups at HSC. I started to feel funny again. I was seen by my gynaecologist on Friday, and the following Monday I was in for surgery and funnelling with an emergency cerclage put into my cervix. Epidural in my spine to keep him with me. My doctor told me she was worried about how long my cerclage would hold. She asked if you could make it to 10 weeks or more. I can do the rest of keeping him going. I told her in the room. I will give you up to 30 weeks. I said I felt that was my limit.
In those 10 weeks, I could only eat cream of chicken soup, crackers, Wendy's burgers, and fries. I had gestational diabetes, I had steroid shots in my hips, I had amniotic fluid twice taken out through my belly button, and I was rushed to emerge once for bleeding after being at my grandma's funeral at the grave site. I had straight blood in my urine. In extreme pain, my doctor called me the next morning after being in an emergency all night long. He could be heard yelling at the staff about what they did to me as I arrived. I should have been admitted.
Endless trips to Winnipeg and overnight stays because he was a brat and kicked the monitor to tell them I was in labour. One nurse tested him, and I still laugh. She walked around the corner and peeked and watched him kick the strips to send the monitor on alert and gave him a heck while laughing. You could see him rolling in my belly when she scolded him.
In January, I told my mom I would have him at the end of February, and I did. I was 30 3/4 weeks old, and I woke up and felt funny and noticed the bleeding. I went to the PDGH and was ambulanced out to Winnipeg. 3 surgeries back to back. 3 epidurals on my lower back spine. 1st surgery to keep him "cerclage" in 10 weeks before, 2nd to take the cerclage out and emergency c section.
The bonus of being an incompetent cervix is that you have no feeling of dilating. I watched him on the monitor while having a full-on contraction. It skyrocketed the monitor to being severe. I just watched in amazement. Just watching my body wrap around, I saw him, and he was squished. I had no pain. The ultrasound showed my son had the umbilical cord wrapped around his foot and was kicking the birth canal. His oxygen was being cut off from the cord being wrapped. I was alone in surgery, and my ex was in our home town; he had a meeting at work. I had an emergency C section, and the staff commented that I was smiling during the whole C section, and I uplifted the room. I knew he was a boy and that he was going to be okay.
Gave birth to him. 3 pounds, 3 ounces, and 17 inches long, he had pure black toes from the oxygen cut off with the umbilical cord wrapped around his right foot. I was taken to him when I was able to sit without my blood pressure falling. As my wheelchair approached him, he heard me talking and lifted up his head. I leaned forward, and my blood pressure dropped. Not funny, but now I can laugh. Both he and I had a nurse pushing our heads back down. I was elated with tears of joy watching him move and breathe. He was feisty, and they stated they had to sedate him because he kept pulling out his breathing tube. He was on room air for after 24 hours.
Spiritual Moment: I was way across the hospital room the evening he was born. I felt my son in distress while I was in bed. I heard a call to the NICU code blue. I immediately got the nurse. As she came into my room, I focused on him and gave him my energy. I sent love and warmth to him and relaxed his body. The nurse came in. I had my eyes closed and could feel him and talk to him. I opened my eyes and said I had to call upstairs to the NICU. I was alone in my room. I called and asked if he was okay now. The nurse on the other end asked how I knew what was happening to him and the details. I said it was a mom thing. The HSC has runners (people who can take you in your wheelchair around the hospital). I called for one to take me to him. I was only able to go in the morning. There were no runners at that time of night.
When I was finally wheeled in, the nurse asked why I had not been with him all night. I said I was spiritually, and she looked at me. I explained my position to bye myself all night in my room. I called to get a runner. She apologised and gave me a hug. I told her he was baby number 5. Do you think I would want to leave him? She put her arms around me and let me cry.
I was able to kangaroo him and pump milk for him. He would not breast-feed. He tried but let out a belly laugh that the whole NICU room adored and laughed with me while watching him do so. I met great new friends with a woman from Ontario, and we still keep in touch with her daughter. They put her daughter and my son together in the NICU and said they should get married.
I watched him have what they call premature babies: apnea and bradycardia often occur together, along with low blood and oxygen levels. He had, in a 48-hour period, a total of 18 episodes. He eventually became stronger. Each day I would pray and send love to him while he was in his incubator, and he was so sweet, never crying and always looking around, waiting for his gavage tube feeding. Gained more weight and moved to the next level.
I moved to the T1 nursery because my son needed a PDA repair to close the valves around his heart. Two titanium clips were put in, which he still has in his body. Indomethacin did not work; he had so much water retention that I did not know who he was. I thought I was in the wrong baby's incubator. Just before surgery, the heart specialist came to talk to me beside his incubator and hugged me. As we walked to the doors for his surgery, I guess he doesn't do that to just anyone the surgeon is hugging. Only my mom, my brother Darren, and I were at the hospital. My ex and family were stuck in a snow storm in Portage. I met a wonderful nurse, and we became great friends who now live in British Columbia.
When he came out for surgery, it was a special moment. My grandma Harvey came in her wheelchair. The ladies at the NICU were excited; they do not get to have great-grandmothers come in. I remember when she came in the door at the NICU. The nursing staff stood around her, and she put her hands on my son and prayed. I remember looking at the staff, and they all felt her presence and energy. They were crying and smiling.
6 weeks at HSC I spent it by myself every Sunday to Saturday. Picked up from the ex on Saturday. Home laundry and a home-cooked meal were back at HSC for the following week. I met some amazing ladies who said that all they do in retirement is snuggle the newborns. I could do that all day as well.
When I got to take him home, it was amazing, and he was already on a schedule, as was I from the hospital. The bonus of having a preemie baby is that you get to snuggle him a little longer in the baby stage.
As a toddler, my son showed signs of being gifted. He talked about the man in my dad's house downstairs. I asked him what the man said. He said he talked about it as he stuttered, and he said, "San San Sandy." I looked at him and smiled. My family yard was my great-grandparents yard. The word Sandy is what my great-grandfather called my granddad as a child.
One day I was at a market with my son and my dad. My son walked up to my grandad's Hall brothers and said, "There you are." "Look at you; I have not seen you for a long time." He was 4 years old. He spoke and acted like he knew them, and he had not seen them in years. The thing was, my son had never met them before in his life, and he was usually very shy about meeting new people. That day, my son shook their hands. He was smiling at each of them.
The challenges were hard, but so worth it. They do grow so fast. I remember walking out of the hospital carrying my son from one of his appointments. I saw a mom with her child, who had cancer, sitting outside in the sun. I turned and took a few moments to close my eyes. I sent a healing prayer and love to both her and her mom.
As a mom, I talk about my journey with my son. I am blessed when he comes up to me as an adult and asks for a hug out of the blue and says, "I love you," and I reply, As long as I am living, my baby, you will be. Robert Munsch book. "I love you forever." I read every night to him. Singing the verse and giving him hugs.
This was not to talk about my ex's bad energy. I was alone a lot to connect and focus my energy on my child. My ex is an amazing dad to our son; that cannot be denied.
I am waiting to watch the day my son becomes a father. Watch how he responds to his children, and I will be the grandma sending healing prayers and teaching spirituality like my grandmothers.
One day, while my son and I were working with his 4H animals on the farm, I asked him a question as I was combing and grooming the steer. He turned to me and said, "MMom". I said, "What?" He says, "TThat was weird." I say, "Why?" He stated that it was not me at that moment; it was a young girl, and she must be my daughter; he said she was asking me the same question." I smiled with a cheeky grin and said, "Alright, I am going to be a grandma and a sweet granddaughter." My son laughed.
This second chapter of my life is going to be amazing on a spiritual and healing level with my son.
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